So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You Might Also Like
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
live long and prosper!
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
A classic…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you