I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
You Might Also Like
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen