Krampus.
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Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.