Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.