18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
☺️
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Pot warmers of the day.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves