I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Ape together strong
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.