Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.