My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
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me when i see my girls butt
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
meanwhile over on facebook
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
🙋♀️
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.