Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Think I pulled my liver
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Happy thanksgiving
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine