If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Ape together strong
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.