ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
This dude got his own movie?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed