Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The pen is writier than the sword.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!