Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Just grow your own
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.