THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.