Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.