Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
oh u like geography? name every lake
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Close call…
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”