Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Fiction has to make sense.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.