Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Who does Amazon think I am?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
me opening up to someone
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up