11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
You Might Also Like
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.