My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa