Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!