Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you