NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.