My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?