Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
You Might Also Like
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
This guy gets it.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS