How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
When you don’t understand how floors work
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
all bases covered
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Smells like a challenge to me
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.