I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I don鈥檛 drink and drive because I can鈥檛 ever find my car keys when I鈥檓 sober.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I wouldn鈥檛 say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else鈥檚 house because he says we go to our house a lot
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Beyonc茅: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyonc茅: This really changes my song
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it鈥檚 mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don鈥檛 have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.