i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
i’m still crying at this
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
The little toadstool has spoken.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
just having fun
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
How do you like your Corgi?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.