If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Just me?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”