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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
This sounds bad:
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
But is it really??
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.