I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
What personal space?
My dog
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
There’s always that one guy
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.