So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The second world war should have been called world war returns
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle