Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined