ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
damn he’s good
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.