Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*