Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
hi why am I like this
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.