wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps