Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
X-tra spooky blend
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
everyone has that one prude friend
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*