wtf is this choreography πππ
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βHis and hersβ gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. π
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[group therapy]
Frankensteinβs Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlovβs Dog: I know, right? They just couldnβt be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
SchrΓΆdingerβs Cat: There might be.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Personal question. #JustSaying
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
On Halloween Iβll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and itβs like living a never ending game of bumper cars
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[meeting Dwayne βThe Rockβ Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. Whatβs the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If sheβs playing Wheel of Fortune, and has β_ONAL_ _UCKβ left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Toh the desire to sin is so great ππππ€£π€·π
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.