*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If you love someone, let them sleep.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.