Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
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Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”