mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Duck typos.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
no cat here
I love art.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?