Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
You Might Also Like
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.