I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.