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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*