My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You Might Also Like
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
There’s always that one guy
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Oops
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.