Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Meow
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white