Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!