Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
how high up are we talkin’?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.