I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.